I’ll admit it, I’m a recovering Gleek. When Rachel Berry et al. burst on to the screen in 2009, I was a seventeen-year-old, bullied gay theatre kid, so needless to say the New Directions found an audience in me. Well, me and millions of other horny, repressed and musical-loving teenagers across the globe. I had spent many a lonely night living out my Elphaba fantasy, wailing to Defying Gravity in my bedroom, so it was nice to find out that Kurt Hummel had been doing the same.
By the time it ended, Glee’s main problem was that it had a total disinterest in maintaining character continuity or resolving its story arcs, but the early days were bodacious.
Glee’s first season followed the fictional high school show choir New Directions competing for the first time on the circuit, while its members and faculty dealt with a myriad of sociopolitical talking points, including (but certainly not limited to): bullying, body image, queerness, teenage pregnancy, disabilities, adoption and eating disorders.
Let’s just say that Glee certainly got lots wrong with the manner in which it handled some of this representation-particularly in its casting an able-bodied actor to play a student with disabilities- but the triumphant thing about those early seasons was that they tapped into a coming of age truth. That High School is not just about a journey towards graduation and beyond, but also to accepting your identity and singularities. Glee at its best was about the compromises we make between what we want/need, and who we are outwardly as well as inside. AND THERE WERE SONGS. Say what you want about the FOX juggernaut, but it was completely different.
During its freshman season, Glee was nominated for 86 awards; it won 27 of them. The show's musical performances proved to be a commercial success (surpassing records set by The Beatles), and a thirteen-date concert tour of North America (Glee Live! In Concert!) sold out, grossing over $5,000,000 dollars.
It wasn’t long before Ryan Murphy and team set their sights on giving the most commercial of holidays the Glee treatment: Christmas.
Themed episodes would become a staple of the series: Madonna, Britney, The Rocky Horror Show and Grease were all given their dues. Why they didn’t tackle Grease 2 I’ll never know. Amber Riley straddling a Harley Davidson, belting about how desperately she wants a ‘devil in skin-tight leather’, backed up by the Cheerios being fired from cannons is a fever dream we could all have treasured.
With all that in mind, it was no surprise that from Season 2 onwards, the New Directions delved into Christmas’ back catalogue. By the time Glee ended, we had been blessed with four Christmas specials and accompanying albums. But which Christmas edition of Glee is the best? I’m glad you didn’t ask.
Recently, I went down a bit of a yuletide rabbit hole and binged all of them so you didn’t have to. It was a wild ride.
4.) Season 5: Previously Unaired Christmas
At number four on the list is the Season 5 contribution. Some may have abandoned Glee by this point, so to bring you up to speed: the original New Directions members had mostly all left Ohio for New York and moved into the largest loft apartment known to humankind and were busy frequenting themselves with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker and Demi Lovato.
This special starts with Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) addressing the audience, explaining that the original 2012 Christmas episode of Glee was banned by FOX for being too offensive, but due to fan uproar the channel has decided to air a severely edited version. What the premise sets up is a naughty, uproarious alternative to your standard, drab Xmas specials. But does it deliver?
To begin with, yes. Santana (Naya Rivera) rocks up at Kurt’s massive apartment, presenting him with tickets to a Canadian resort called ‘Dildo Island’ in order for him to get over his breakup with Blaine. Sadly, we don’t get to see any of what seems like a truly magical family destination (although there is a real Dildo Island) and instead Rachel, Kurt and Santana take jobs as Christmas elves in a mall. Here, the brilliant Naya Rivera’s talents are put to full use- she is a horrifying and hilarious Mrs Claus, complaining to a child about his terrible teeth and rejecting a girl's request for a 'molesty' doll.
There is a slightly scandalous incident in which Kurt (Chris Colfer) is tied up with Christmas paraphernalia by a hunky, yet disturbed, Kris Kringle and robbed, which some would describe as the perfect Christmas gift. This was, admittedly, a dark(ish) festive storyline, but the hour ends with all three robbery victims singing carols in a Bergdorf-Goodman window. So don’t feel too glum.
Beyond that, this episode doesn’t really break out of the “holiday special” mould. Back at McKinley High School, we’re treated to a Christmas tree-decorating competition and the creation of a living nativity scene. As a result, the outrageous/banned idea becomes restrained by festive television conventions, rather than usurping them.
In fairness, the nativity does involve a trans character called Unique (Alex Newell) performing to The Supremes whilst throwing a plastic baby Jesus around the room, and it’s hard to imagine this sequence being done in today’s political climate without unwarranted controversy. Glee was strongest when it portrayed minorityhood as more than victimisation and let characters fly their flag proudly and weirdly, and this ticks both boxes.
It’s more that this “banned’ special doesn’t feel much more disruptive than your standard episode of Glee. It tries to get under the skin and as a result is a hot mess- there are explicit references to race and religion, plot holes are exposed and it sticks a middle finger up at those who call it insensitive by being ridiculously insensitive, but Glee sort of did that on a weekly basis and got away from it.
If it had gone the whole nine yards, I think this could’ve been brilliant. Instead, it just feels slightly grey. Like sleet on Christmas morning.
The Musical Numbers
The Best:
Love Child, by The Supremes.
Performed by: Unique, Tina and Marley.
Notes: This is the second-best cover of this song I’ve seen. The first, of course, is Whoopi Goldberg’s brief rendition in Sister Act.
Grade: A-
The Worst:
The Chipmunk Song (Don’t Be Late), by Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Performed by: Rachel, Kurt, Creepy Santa and Santana
Notes: Creepy thief Santa whips out his sack, which is filled with helium balloons. They all suck it back as if it’s laughing gas and sprint around the apartment squeaking. It is sheer nonsense.
Grade: D. You try your hardest not to hate every second of it, but you end up feeling a worse person for having witnessed it. This is everything that people who hated Glee said the show was. It’s also kind of mesmerising.
Honourable Mention:
Here Comes Santa Claus, by Gene Autry.
Performed by: Rachel, Santana and Kurt.
Notes: This is a set-piece worthy of a Christmas special. Candy-canes, red/green outfits and unimpressed young’uns are all present.
Grade: B. I like the jaunty bells.
3.) Season 4: Glee, Actually
Despite its title, the episode doesn’t have that much in common with its Richard Curtis namesake.
Love Actually, Sue Sylvester says, “is a movie that I don't think anyone cares for but is constantly on cable." I’m sure if you were to switch on ITV2 right you’d find Emma Thompson sobbing in her bedroom to Joni Mitchell, swiftly followed by a repeat of Cameron Diaz’s seminal performance in The Holiday. Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be Christmas without either.
Instead of loosely linked plots like Love Actually, this episode takes the form of a series of vignettes told one right after the other, with, naturally, various levels of Glee insanity, romance and emotional resonance.
The first resembles another Christmas favourite all together: It’s a Wonderful Life. The inciting incident involves an angry, humiliated Archie (Kevin McHale) slipping on some ice, smacking his head and waking up in a black and white dream world that serves as an alternative reality. Artie doesn’t use a wheelchair, Rachel (Lea Michele) works in (shock horror) an office job, and Mr. Schuster (Matthew Morrison) never left his manipulative wife Teri from season one, who has now convinced him that a plastic doll is their new-born child and abuses his alcoholism in order to steal his salary. This show was always pretty out there. Artie sings Feliz Navidad and learns a similar lesson to George Bailey before waking up and realising that his life is pretty great.
Next up for a holiday interlude is Kurt. Rachel is off on a Rosie O’Donnell cruise with her dads for Christmas, so Kurt’s dad Burt (Mike O’Malley) shows up with a Christmas tree and devastating news to share. After taking in The Rockettes and the live camel, Burt reveals that he has prostate cancer. The poor guy has only just recovered from a heart attack and now this. In typical Glee style, Burt’s health issues actually serve as a device to give us a romantic semi-reunion between Blaine (Darren Criss) and Kurt, who have JUST BROKEN UP.
Burt gives Kurt the address of an ice skating rink… and who should be there waiting with a ‘package for Kurt Hummel’? I must admit, as Kurt and Blaine skated and sang their traditional holiday duet with choreographed dancers behind them my ice heart did thaw slightly. And when Burt tearily told Kurt the story of his first Christmas tree, I did well up. But it’s been a long year.
The rest of the plots are a mixed bag. In one, Brittany (Heather Morris) has watched a documentary about the Mayan Apocalypse, which was a fun 2012 reference, and decided to cash in her savings so her and her friends can enjoy the rest of their lives. She ends up marrying sexy Sam (Chord Overstreet) on a whim. In another, Sue ends up helping a student with bulimia via a faculty member Secret Santa.
All in all, the episode is a heartening undertaking, albeit an assault on the senses. The structural device of smaller stories actually helps to centre the diversity of tones, randomness of plots and clash of styles. It feels lively and allows members of the ensemble to shine. Although, it doesn’t make any sense to do a Love Actually spoof and not include “Christmas Is All Around ”
Billy Mack not give you the rights?
The Musical Numbers
The Best:
White Christmas, by Bing Crosby.
Performed by: Kurt and Blaine.
Notes: This performance had everything: figure skating, homoeroticism, scarves and daddy’s approval. What’s not to love? And I like Blaine’s coat.
Grade: A
The Worst:
Jingle Bell Rock, by Bobby Helms.
Performed by: Sam and The Cheerios.
Notes: I enjoyed the choreography, and it was a jovial moment in what was a darker episode. However, Regina, Cady, Karen and Gretchen have already got this covered.
Grade: C.
Honourable Mention:
Feliz Navidad, by José Feliciano
Performed by: Artie
Notes: Will Schuster is meant to be a Spanish teacher, so this felt quite cross curricular. The costuming and maracas are a choice.
Grade: B-
2.) Season 2: A Very Glee Christmas
Despite its perceived relentlessly upbeat persona, Glee is actually a slightly depressing show about unstable performing arts fanatics in Ohio. On the surface, you’d think that Glee would deliver a saccharine hour for its first Christmas special, but actually it’s an episode that's mostly about being lonely at this time of year.
The plot lines are kept loosey-goosey: Rachel tries to win Finn (Corey Monteith) back by singing at him relentlessly; Artie finds out that Brittany still believes in Santa; a manipulative Sue Sylvester abuses the rules of Secret Santa for the first time.
Let’s start with Rachel. She attempts to use Finn’s love of Christmas to her advantage, gifting him “one song of Rachel Berry’s choosing.” It backfires, and Rachel has no choice but to sing WHAM!’s Last Christmas at a Christmas Tree Farm. In fairness, the plan works and they end up snogging under some mistletoe (we’ve all been there) but Finn isn’t ready to forgive Rachel for cheating on him with his best friend. Maybe she should have frosted her hair and worn a giant cross earring. This is all very standard Glee, but Rachel isn’t very fun when she’s at her most manipulative. I prefer her relentless and ruthless pursuit of stardom to her romantic foils.
On to Artie, whose storyline culminates in him receiving a pair of robotic legs from the P.E. teacher, who’s a millionaire, apparently. They do this because for some reason no one wants to explain to Brittany that Santa doesn’t exist. Needless to say, this entire plot feeds into the wider questionable narrative of Archie’s character. The show constantly ran storylines that involved Artie’s wheelchair being something that held him back. Glee positions Archie's disability as a source of antagonism, rather than the inaccessibility and social inequality that he faces. Jay Tee Rattray wrote a piece on this and more over here.
That brings us to Sue, who steals Christmas by ensuring she is the only name in the Secret Santa. There’s nothing not to like about seeing a bright green Jane Lynch slink around, hamming it up and pinching presents. It’s a pastiche of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas that works because it completely suits her character. It’s milked for all it’s worth and I still wanted more of it.
However, in relying so much on the offerings of other Christmas favourites, the episode doesn’t really carve a groove of its own. There’s an emotional core to Xmas stories- a simple sentimentality that escapes this slightly. There is a touching moment at the end of the episode where Will opens up to Sue, explaining that he is trying so hard to make a good Christmas for others because his is going to be shitty, but other than that we’re not sure where our feelings are meant to lie.
The episode's inspiration, the Grinch, absolutely earns its mawkishness because his heart ends up growing three sizes, but we don’t see that anywhere here. The story was totes full of the spirit of the season and it had miracles, carols and joy, but it didn’t quite earn a place as an absolute classic.
The Musical Numbers
The Best:
You’re a Mean One, Mr Grinch
Performed by: Sue Sylvester.
Notes: This was a perfect homage to the animated classic. I sort of which they’d let Jane Lynch do the vocals, but it’s nice to hear K. D. Lang.
Grade: A
The Worst:
We Need a Little Christmas, by Johnny Mathis.
Performed by: The whole cast.
Notes: This one was too short so you can’t really get into it and it’s at the top of the episode so you forget about it. But I love Mercedes (Amber Riley).
Grade: C+
Honourable Mention:
Baby it’s Cold Outside, by Frank Loesser
Performed by: Kurt and Blaine
Notes: There wasn't much going on for either of the characters this episode (apart from the constant question of if and when these two will EVER get together), but they did get this charming little moment to sing a wintertime favourite. The fire is so gay in this it’s too cute. The chemistry sparkles!
Sidebar: Check out the Darren Day and Gemma Collins effort if you haven’t already.
Grade: B+
1.) Season 3: An Extraordinary Christmas
Honestly, all I remembered about this episode before I rewatched it was the fact that somehow Chewbacca was in it.
Now, a lot of why I think this special is the best is that the set list for the episode has some great Christmas classics from big hitters like Bruce Springsteen, The Waitresses, Elvis, Mariah Carey, Joni Mitchell, Frank Sinatra and Julie Andrews. That being said, it also contains what I consider to be the worst Christmas song of all time. More on that later.
The plot contains a classic Glee conflict: the New Directions end up double booked for a night when they first agree to perform at a homeless shelter on Sue’s request, but also leap at the chance to film a Christmas special for Lima’s PBS affiliate station. By the end of the hour, you just know that everyone is going have learnt something about Christmas spirit.
Sue is missing her sister Jean as it is her first Christmas without her. She’s volunteering at the shelter and has arranged the gig for them, so the New Directions incur her wrath when they initially choose the selfish option and decide to film the PBS special. Off the back of his debut production of A West Side Story, Artie is hired as the director. He wants to pay homage to classic Christmas Specials: The Star Wars Holiday Special, and the 1963 July Garland Show Christmas Special. As a result, Chewbacca and lightsabers will feature as well as the whole thing being shot in black and white. On a budget of only $800, what Artie achieves is seriously impressive.
The whole thing is set in the Swiss Alps in the exceptionally decorated living room of Kurt and Blaine’s chalet for an evening of Noel Coward-esque banter and innuendo that ends with Rory (Damian McGinty, who won the bananas reality show The Glee Project, earning him what ended up being an 18-episode guest-starring role) dressed as Itchy the elf reciting Luke 2: 8-14 from The Bible.
The actual performances during the special are mostly good; the ones that work best are those that play up to the variety-show vibe with a wink and a nudge. Glee often took big format swings like this, and this is one that it pulls off. And of course, as the end of the episode roles around the show choir realise that there is more to Christmas than selfish endeavours and show up at the homeless charity.
For a show that allegedly places celebrating diversity and difference at its heart there is a lack of another perspective on the Holiday Season in this episode, or any of the specials actually. It would’ve been great to see something that pushed the boundaries of what we expect from “Christmastime". I bring this up as the one storyline I didn’t enjoy in An Extraordinary Christmas was Rachel’s. If there are three things we know about Glee’s protagonist it’s that she loves to perform, is a big Barbra fan and is Jewish. Rachel spends the entire episode demanding that Finn buy her five Christmas presents and not giving a shit about feeding vulnerable people and it just doesn’t seem to ring true with what we know about her, particularly as in Season Two’s special she mentions not celebrating the holiday. Glee digs into its characters defining traits and then drops them when it’s convenient for the story, but it felt careless here.
The emotional heart of the episode, a story about helping those who are less fortunate at Christmas, is classic Glee, but the plot fails to centre the homeless group that the gang are singing for and the payoff as a result is a bit muddy. However, the ride along is very funny and packed with great festive tunes.
Overall, this one’s the best because it’s got good music, a quirky premise and plenty of laughs from a script penned by Buffy’s Marti Noxon. The episode builds on its Judy Garland origins really well, has lots of lovely character moments and is the perfect one to watch a little stoned after an argument with the family.
The Musical Numbers
The Best:
All I Want for Christmas is You, by Mariah Carey
Performed by: Mercedes
Notes: This show persistently underserved Amber Riley’s talents.
Grade: A. It would’ve been an A+ if they’d let her do the full version.
The Worst:
Do They Know It’s Christmas, by Band Aid.
Performed by: The whole cast.
Notes: This is the worst Christmas song ever.
Grade: F.
Honourable Mentions:
River by Joni Mitchell
Performed by: Rachel
Notes: This song is a Desert Island Disc of mine, so I appreciate it’s inclusion anywhere. But it doesn’t have the emotion of Joni’s version, or the theatrics of Ben Platt’s in The Politician.
Grade: B
Let it Snow by Frank Sinatra
Performed by: Kurt and Blaine
Notes: I think I’m displaying the fanfiction writer within me, but I can’t help but enjoy a number with these two at the helm.
Grade: A-
Love Ben xx
ONE OTHER THING!
I couldn’t do a Glee blog without revealing what I think the best Glee cover is. I think as a rule you can’t pick Don’t Stop Believing, so this would be my choice: